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It’s surreal. My body still feels numb. I’m trying to digest what I just experienced and it’s going to take some time. As I was running around this morning helping the woman that was carried here by stretcher and then helping to restrain a boy with 40.6 fever while we gave an IV, I barely paid any attention to the 3 people sitting on the bench. I noticed them and did a quick ‘drive by assessment’ and since they all looked okay I prioritized my time. I had no idea who these people were until Helen whispered to me. I froze.

I had to sneak away to the side of the clinic so no one could see my tears as I caught my breath.

After composing myself I went over and greeted them. Bazile came and Helen, Gerrard, and I all went into the consultation with the dad and 7y/o Madeline. She was here on Wednesday for a baseline HIV test and returned today to follow-up. I kept getting that ‘pre-cry’ feeling, where your nose gets a little congested, eyes turn red and start to water but something stops the tears from actually flowing. Maybe it’s innate, maybe it’s me not trying to make them feel more upset. The dad opened up the bottles of anti-retroviral (HIV treatment) medicines and was telling us how he gives them to Madeline. She sat on his lap in her West African patterned, orange and yellow dress, looking around, putting her fingers in her mouth, and trying to not pay attention, or just really didn’t care. Time just froze when I saw ‘anti-retroviral’ on the back of the medication box. This was real, we were treating her this little girl, just in case she does have HIV.

We asked the dad how Madeline was doing with everything, went through some signs and symptoms of post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and let them know that we were here to help. The dad explained that she wakes up at night from night terrors and still feels pain but she can tell the story now.

As she sat on his lap, her little mouth opened and I heard the voice of a small child. That soft, kind of high pitched, ‘cute kid’ voice. Her eyes wandered around the room, fingers still in the mouth, and she told us what happened. Gerrard translated her words for us.

“ I tried to run away but he grabbed me. He took me into the house and laid me down. He had a knife. He told me if I didn’t stop screaming he would cut my throat.” She stopped talking. We asked her if she wanted to tell us more. “After the sexual assault (I don’t what words she used because this was translated), he left.”

“How did you feel?” I asked. Silence. She just put her fingers back in her mouth in the space where she lost one of her childhood teeth. “You don’t need to tell us anything you don’t want to,” Bazile chimed in.

The dad told us on Tuesday night they noticed some fluid coming from her vagina and it was swollen. He said he knew the guy that did it. He was a neighbor, someone who Madeline knew as well. The mom and dad were in the fields and Madeline was at the house (not uncommon here as everyone looks after each other’s kids).

When they came to the clinic on Wednesday Melino examined her and noticed trauma and tearing. He asked about the guy that did it and they told him that everyone thinks he is HIV+. Melino asked the dad to bring him to the clinic for an official HIV test, which was supposed to take place today. The man didn’t show up because he was put in jail. Somehow the villagers found out that it was him and took action to get him.

While he is in jail awaiting his trial on Monday, we will begin Madeline on PEP (post exposure prophylaxis) just in case she did become infected from this horrific event. We offered emotional and medical support and encouraged them to come to the clinic regularly to check in. Madeline didn’t seem too overtly traumatized although I did not know her before to compare. She will become a regular visitor and one for the ‘home visit list’ so we can closely monitor her physical and emotional wellbeing.

I am in NO WAY defending what happened here. I am simply trying to understand why someone would perform such an atrocity. I need something to appease my wandering mind because I refuse to accept the response “he just did it.” Here in Burundi, as with many other places, there is a myth that if you have sex with a virgin you will be cured of HIV. Because many of the people who knew this man said that he was HIV+ I’m thinking this might be a reason why he did this. Again, not defending, just trying to understand.

People need education, not just for reading and math but to prevent the spread of disease and halt horrendous acts such as this.

I have never experienced something like this before. I’m still attempting to compartmentalize and cope while still experiencing all the emotions that come with this. For me, it’s important to not suppress anything but rather learn to cope and move on. Love, understanding, support, and time will hopefully help heal Madeline.

No 7 year old, nor any human being should have to endure this, but it happens. No person has the skills or experiences to cope with getting raped for the first time. Her world has been turned upside at the age of 7. No one really knows what’s going through her head, which is why we need to listen. We also need to speak up about these situations and make people aware that this is NOT acceptable and this will NOT cure you from HIV.

As usual, I will tap into that human connection that we all have as I try my best to heal Madeline. This connection is something that we all have and I believe all could benefit from ‘tapping into’ a little more as we seek to understand, help, and heal each other. It’s part of why we’re here.

*I debated putting this blog up on the internet. I wrote it for myself to help deal with my emotions, as I do with many stories. But this situation needs to be explained. It needs to be talked about. It needs to end. No change can happen unless we first openly and honestly talk about what is happening.